The Homesickness Will Never Pass
You know when you’re really excited for something like a birthday, a holiday, etc? You know how the days leading up to it just feel like filler days? Days that just feel like waiting? Pointless days. Days that you wish you could just skip. My whole life feels like that now. I feel like every day I’m just waiting.
I feel so disinterested in everything, all I want is for the days to pass.
What’s frustrating is I don’t know when I’m waiting for. Am I waiting for a year from now? Two or three? More? Maybe it would be easier if I knew when. Maybe then I could breathe and continue living my life instead of trying to fast forward it. But I have no idea. I have no idea when I get to leave here. I have no idea when I get to go home.
I feel like no one around me understands how much it hurts. It sounds silly to them, and, yes, a first world problem. I realize I could be dealing with much, much, much worse.
But it hurts. I can’t deny that it hurts. All I’ve ever drempt of since I was barely a teenager was getting out of this state. I have hundreds of my writings about it, it was practically all I wrote about for years. I have never wanted anything more than to leave Texas. I have never felt comfortable here, I’ve always felt seperate. All I’ve ever wanted was to get out and I did. I felt the incredible relief, the freedom, of leaving. I got to see so much, take so many pictures (which is the 2nd thing I’ve always wanted the most, to be in a place I found beautiful enough to take pictures of), experience so many new things. I felt that and it got ripped away from me so prematurely. It wasn’t fair. Sometimes I think maybe it would all be better had I not gotten to experience it yet; it probably wouldn’t hurt as much as it does now. But ultimately I’d never trade my memories of Alaska for anything.
Otherwise, I feel so at peace with my life right now. Me and my boyfriend, having dealt with his ex girlfriend harassing us for the first almost 2 years of our relationship, are in a better place than we have ever been without her constantly causing both of us unnecessary stress or refusing to allow him to see his son now that custody has been legally established. We stayed by each other’s side through all of it and have come out even stronger than we were before, which has always been strong. He’s been my best friend in the world since the day I met him. He’s hinted at marriage so many times and refers to me as his wife to many people. I’m so happy to have this baby together, whom I consider to be our second child considering the fact that he raised my son and I will always consider him his father. We have so many plans, so many things we want to do together. So many places we want to see. We make such a good team, really with anything. With parenting, with money. I know me and him can do anything together. We compliment eachother so well.
And this is why it is so frustrating to still be sitting here, sitting in the same place I was years ago. I have grown so much. I’m such a different person than I used to be. I feel so much stronger now, so much more independent. I’m an adult, in a healthy, mature relationship, as well as a mother. I feel like I’ve taken so many steps forward, and yet I remain in the same place. I’ve been ready to move on since I was 13 years old, imagine how I feel now. I hate even going outside, being reminded where I am. All I want in the whole world is to take the family that I have now and GO. I have nothing keeping me here. I’ve left my mom and family before, it is a natural part of life for a lot of people. It’s normal to me. I personally can’t imagine living this journey in the same place for the entirety of it. It drives me insane.
I have a new life but it won’t feel complete until my surroundings are also new. Until my view is different. Until the people I see every day are different. It sounds so childish and I didn’t fully realize I was doing this until recently, but I refuse to make friends or advance in anything for that exact reason. I avoid everyone at my job; I guess it’s just that I want absolutely no more ties here. I don’t want a new job that I actually enjoy until I’m where I want to be. I don’t want to make friends until I’m where I want to be.
I have so many bad memories here, and I can’t look anywhere without being reminded of them. I want that to go away. I don’t want that anymore. I need things that are FRESH. I need things that are new. It felt so good feeling that freshness alone, I can’t even imagine how it would feel with my family beside me. Getting to experience all of it with them. I know I’m not the best me that I can be right now, I feel like I can’t be here in Texas. My depression is so, so heavy here. Life just feels darker here, it always has for me. My motivation was sky rocketed in Alaska. I wanted to be outside constantly. I got to take so many pictures every day, my biggest passion. I wasn’t living in fast forward, I was just living. And that’s what I want to be for my kids. I don’t want to be so sad. I cry infront of my son so much; the concerned look on his face always breaks my heart. I don’t know how to be happy here.
But I’ll always be patient for my boyfriend. I know it isn’t as easy for him as it is for me, we don’t even know how custody would work with us being so far away. I have nothing keeping me here but he does, and I know that if he didn’t, we would already be gone. He would have already taken me home. He tells me that when I’m sad, he says he’ll take me home. But it raises the question again of when? I can’t help but wonder how much longer I have to be here. Meanwhile, I don’t know how to make the homesickness go away. I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I don’t know how to pretend like I’m content. I don’t know how to sit with this.
We’re supposed to go visit Anchorage early next year before the baby is due, but part of me isn’t even excited about it. It just hurts worse when I leave. It hurts to visit a place you already consider your home. Getting to feel comfortable for a week and then having to watch it all fade away behind you again, knowing where you’re headed back to. Texas looks extra, extra disgusting to me right after a trip home. The depression hits extra hard, too.
I don’t even know what to do. It’s so much worse during this time of year, during the holidays. I want to be surrounded by my snow capped mountains more than anything in the world right now. I miss my trees. The colors. It hasn’t snowed in Anchorage yet but I know it’s coming soon. It always hurts worse during the Fall and Winter. Doesn’t help that pregnancy hormones are making me extra emotion of course. Most days I just want to mope around and cry.